Statistics Can Suck It

There is a statistic for practically everything. Have a question? There’s probably a study that has addressed it. Some of them have absolutely earth-shattering results, too: Children who are bullied tend to be more depressed. Really? Wow! Thank goodness someone discovered that through a double-blind, peer-reviewed study because I probably never would’ve guessed that in a million years!

Society has some strong opinions as well. That’s natural. Humans tend to like boundaries. We find labels comforting. They tell us what to expect. I imagine during the caveman days we found solace in organizing with people of like minds. Okay, so it makes sense even today, but sometimes societal consensus just isn’t . . . all that.

May you have an example, you say? You may be sorry you asked. For one, there is a large group of society who feel that gays & lesbians shouldn’t be parents. There was even a time not all that long ago when it was believed males weren’t able to be adequate parents without a woman involved. Well, tell that to the approximately 6 children I’ve had a part in parenting. Children who, incidentally, were in my home because of deplorable things their straight parents did to them. When people rail against LGBT parents, they tend to forget we wouldn’t have children to adopt or foster if their straight parents hadn’t messed them up. Long-established crime statistics show that 97% of child molesters are married, white, heterosexual men. So aren’t LGBT parents even safer?

There is a family I know, and who you may know as well, that received a healthy amount of criticism. They are currently almost finished with an amazing adventure involving bicycling from the tip of North America to the bottom of South America.

Upon finishing, their 13-year-old children (who were 10 when they started) will hold the world record for being the youngest people to do this trek. Some criticized them as being reality-TV-styled parents trying to gain notoriety and fame through torturing their children. Except there is no camera crew following them, and since when has anyone been able to “make” a child bicycle for thousands of miles and through two continents?

Of course, none of these critics have sat down with the boys to discover their opinion of their travels. I have had the pleasure of spending a few days with this incredible family, and the boys are as committed, if not more, as their parents. Abused? They’ve had more experiences than most adults. They have learned how to deal with adversity, how to adjust to chaos, how to work through challenges and how to deal with it when things aren’t going their way.

Dare we say they know how to set and accomplish a goal? Will anyone ever be able to tell them they can’t do something?

Did you also know that foster kids are troublemakers who will never amount to any good? 37% will not finish high school. 3 out of 10 of all homeless are former foster children. 50% are unemployed. Ready for a really interesting one? 84% become a parent. What about the rest? I’m one of them. I was horribly abused as a child. I was in and out of informal placements until I was 15 when I officially entered the foster care system where I continued to be abused. What’s happened since? I’ve achieved a doctorate degree plus post-doctorate training. I’m a former foster parent and legal guardian and current adoptive parent. For the last two decades I have taken care of people in the emergency department as a nurse, treated people as a naturopathic physician, and served as a chaplain for patients and their families in the intensive care units as well as those preparing to die in hospice. I spent a decade as a leader in the Boy Scouts. I share this not to get a pat on the back, but to support what we don’t often hear about: The ones who don’t fall into the above sad numbers.

As a parent of special-needs children, I constantly face the judgment of others. Whether it be because my foster child is dancing in the middle of the clear grocery aisle, walking around making odd sounds, or otherwise being “obnoxious.” At school I’m talked down to because I’m a single dad, and we all know that men are incapable of being “real” parents. Yes, my child wore a dirty hoodie to school. Not because I don’t care or because I’m clueless, but because that’s what he wanted to wear even though I brought it to his attention. If I’m trying to instill in him that we shouldn’t live our lives according to the expectations of others, how can I put my foot down because his pants have holes in the knees? He also brings lasagna that is 100% made at home, even the noodles, to school for lunch while other children are ingesting food whose list of ingredients looks like something out of NASA. Now I’m beginning the journey to join a small handful of other parents who are pulling their kids out of school and taking them along on world travel, an even smaller group of whom are single parents. Abusive? Negligent?

I once had a kid living in my home who wanted to dye his hair blue. We lived in a very small, fairly conservative, mostly retired community. What did I do? I took him to the store and bought him the dye and took pictures while he and his friend changed their brown hair to colors only found in the animal kingdom. For months I referred to him and his buddy as Smurf and Booger Head. When it came time to find a job, the brown hair returned. He got it out of his system.

Not all societal consensus is negative, but so often we feel ostracized as parents, as people, because of what Society expects of us. So many of us, consequently, miss out on truly living or being who we really are simply because we don’t have the support we need to be what or who we truly are. We may not be the parents we choose to be because others don’t approve, or we’re simply tired of the judgments, which so often come from people who have never parented anyway. Frankly, I’m many things. Some irritating and some truly wonderful. I bet you are, too. The big question is, whose life will you live? Whose standard will you choose to base your choices on? Why not live and parent according to your heart?

In the end you have to do what you believe is right. You have to be able to live with your decisions, and likewise your regrets. Only you know you. Only you know your child and their needs. Dare to dream, and then dare to live that dream.

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48 Comments

    • I hope the process has been smooth for you. It can be a rollercoaster for anyone much less someone who is gay.

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  1. I thought you should know that I’m stealing a quote and putting it on my facebook (I will be attributing to you of course) Love your blog!

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    • You’re welcome to it! 🙂 So glad you enjoy the blog.

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  2. If you have the ability of raising the child then it hardly matters who you are.. It’s a myth that single parents can’t give a better life to the child but the reality is they can.. With the better understanding and love between the child and parent can change their life..

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  3. “since when has anyone been able to “make” a child bicycle for thousands of miles and through two continents?”

    God, so true! I can barely make mine bike 5km into town. I’d be pretty impressed if Nancy actually forced those boys to do it. 😉

    Lovely post. You’re obviously a great dad. By the way I was raised in a single-dad household too. Love to all the single dads out there!

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    • Not a lot of us out there that’s for sure. It confuses people almost as much
      as my response to questions like how long we’re here for, when do we go
      back, etc. lol

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  4. Hats off to you! If you live your life according to the whims and fancies of others, what does that teach your child (children)? What they receive as kids imprints them for life – let ’em be free – free to explore, question, run, have fun – just be. Peace and Love!

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    • A hearty amen to that!

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  5. AMEN!! What a great post.. I, for one, am eagerly following your launch process and can’t wait to share in the adventures you and Tigger have as you move out into the world together. Statistics serve to bind us, not empower us… you’ve broken the mold for yourself and I LOVE that you’re doing it with your kid (s) too! Rock on, brother!

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  6. Talon – Two words. Fuck Society.

    One of the biggest things I HATED about living in Southern California was the “keeping up with the Jones'” mentality that EVERYONE had. You were subjected to it at school, at work, in your personal life and your professional life.

    So to that, fuck society and their standards, their pretenses, their statistics.

    You are doing things right, live life by your terms, raise your son how HE needs to be raised, and continue to tell society where they can stick it.

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  7. Hi Talon, I am so glad I read this. I know I will face some similar dilemmas and social issues around parenting few years from now, and it makes me depressed. But your ‘rant’ is very encouraging! Thanks.

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    • I’m glad it helped!

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  8. You definitely create thought-provoking rants – regardless if vodka was involved or now.

    I’m starting to be concerned for myself in regards to the fact that I too dance randomly down the aisles of grocery stores. If the mood strikes, why not take advantage of it. 😛

    I am so glad that you can be there for foster kids. I know they need you and I applaud you as a person and as a parent. <3

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    • Nothing wrong with dancing down the aisles! Let ’em stare and wonder.

      And thanks! I think vodka helps, but ranting is just fun anyway. 🙂

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  9. There are always small-minded people out there to criticize and find faults in everything you do. You’re doing an awesome job as a parent Talon, keep it up and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise!

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    • Thanks! I don’t let them get to me. Except every so often when I’m ready for a rant. LOL

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  10. Thanks for sharing your experience as a single dad, foster parent and traveler! I’m not one to hate on families who decide to broaden their children’s education by taking them around the world. It sounds like homeschooling but with more exposure to other cultures. Isn’t that an improvement?

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    • I sure think so! People are more likely to feel a connection to a place when they’ve been there. So perhaps raising the next generation in the world will affect the world. One can always hope.

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  11. Excellent read.
    As someone who works with children with profound special needs I agree that too many people feel false comfort and normality in statistics and labels. To me the kids are the ones who come first and i appreciate all of them for the individuals they are and not what they can or can’t do.
    I think your adventures together will be the greatest education a child and parent can have and look forward to reading more

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    • Thank you! I think we cramp our children’s growth when we try to stuff them into boxes rather than let them blossom into what and whom they can and choose to be.

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  12. ooops should proof read better ….. exception not acception, lol excuse my dyslexia

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  13. An amazing piece, very thought provoking. Many of us may realise that statistics suck, but don’t really consider this enough. Worse still some take them as gospel!

    None of us should live by the standards of others, or the boundaries set by them. We are individuals, have our own, hopes, aspirations and dreams, only we can decide how and whether we achieve them. This is equally appropriate to how we bring up our children, they are our responsibility and the experiences we introduce them to and manner in which they are brought up is for our judgement.

    We should all be free to make our own decisions in life and for our children without having to suffer the ‘judgement’ of society at large. It is obvious that you do not let this effect how you live your life or how you parent your child, you live your pown life to your own standards and that is just one reason you have my total respect!

    I commend you for your decisions to allow the children you have helped to parent make their own choices and for having the imagination, foresight and courage to set forth on your next great adventure, taking Tigger with you. I have absolutely no doubt he will benefit from both the experience and the manner in which you bring him up. Making his own decisions and taking responsibility for them, and sharing in the big decisions with you.

    Thank you so much for sharing.

    PS The only thing I would take acception to is ….. I am never irritating, I am only wonderful! 😉

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    • Thanks for such an awesome comment! So much easier to be & raise kids as
      sheep, but then we lose out on some amazing individuals.

      http://1dad1kid.com

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  14. Such a lovely heartfelt piece. I truly enjoyed it & can’t wait to read about the two of you on the road!

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    • Thanks, Sally. That means a lot to me.

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  15. Wow! My heart’s racing after reading that, so much passion-love it!

    “Some criticized them as being reality-TV-styled parents trying to gain notoriety and fame through torturing their children”

    This sounds more like the English media, they are always trying to kick people down over here too. I don’t understand why they’d give such an adventure a warped logic and negative angle!

    I was badly bullied as a child and I am non-statistically happy. 🙂

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  16. Talon this is great! Statistics refer to the norm and isn’t it better to not be part of the norm? If you don’t do your share to help inspire the next generation, then we risk allowing them to be part of those statistics.

    I was very fortunate to be the product of parents who had the same philosophy that you do (heck my mom would have been ecstatic if I came home with my ear pierced!). I’m proud of my upbringing for exactly this reason. There was no right and wrong way to do something and I think that reflects in my personality.

    Kudos to you and your story for showing that one can overcome those statistics and kudos for everything you do!

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    • Thanks, Aaron! I appreciate your comments. So awesome you had such a supportive mom.

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  17. I wholeheartedly agree with your parenting philosophy (even though I’m not a parent myself). Kids should be respected AS PEOPLE… which means respecting their intelligence, creativity, and desires/needs. Nothing bugs me more than when people talk down to kids.

    And the negative debate around LGBTQ parenting is infuriatingly bigoted. Now there’s a situation where statistics are being twisted for a particular agenda!

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    • Yes that debate can really get me going.

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  18. Beautifully written. I have always instilled in my son it was ok to go against the grain, but not just for the sake of it, but for the authenticity of following your own inspiration. I have lived my life from that perspective since I was born, and I encourage my son to always question the status quo. After all, that’s just a set of agreements, some group of people made. Enough parent and like-minded individuals like us have the power to expand horizons. And yes, we are raising the next generation who will, ultimately change this world.

    Oh, did I mention, in college I once took a class called “how to lie with statistics?” It was a requirement if you were on the debate team. That should say volumes about statistics.

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    • That’s another reason I’m totally unimpressed by stats and polls. You can find a study or poll to support any opinion. And societal consensus is just a convient way to try to fit everyone into a comfortable box. I’d rather my child be an individual.

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  19. Gosh, I totally agree with you that you can’t judge people by what statistics say they’re supposed to be–we have to look at each person individually.

    This also makes me cringe a bit–at myself. Part of why I wanted to get out of public school teaching for a bit was because I felt that I was having to squash students’ individualism more than I wanted to. I think great teachers don’t necessarily do that–but it was such a disheartening struggle for me. That said, all the teachers I worked with were *incredibly* understanding and accepting–and I worked in a pretty rough neighborhood with a program for “emotionally disturbed” kids.

    You sound like a great father. Accepting your kids for who they are and supporting them any way you can? A parent can’t do better than that.

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    • Thank you! Nice to hear a teacher’s perspective as well.

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  20. I’ve always found your story inspiring. Good job on this post and I agree with you wholeheartedly!

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    • Thank you! I appreciate it.

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  21. Great post – once again! I have no doubt you’ve faced your share of criticism and we all know we’ve faced ours. But the key is to follow your own heart down your own path.

    This post encouraged me to go to my blog and find this post where I responded to some of the outrageous criticism we’ve faced. I post it here as I think it could add to this discussion: http://familyonbikes.org/blog/?p=1410

    Can’t wait for you to hit the road!

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  22. *clap clap clap clap!*

    I’m glad you posted this. I don’t know what else to say except, well, I’m glad you said it.

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    • Thank you! Wasn’t do sure I should post it, so happy some people are
      enjoying it.

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  23. I can’t even begin to give enough positive feedback about this post. Incredible!

    Post a Reply
    • Lol! Thanks! As I wrote this, I kept thinking “You really shouldn’t publish.
      Wait a few days!” 🙂

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