For almost a decade I’ve been Death’s companion in some form, and for at least three decades I’ve been exposed to it in some intimate way. Nine years ago I began my “second career” training to become a healthcare chaplain and immediately knew I wanted to work with death and dying. Yes, I’m strange. I can own that. I’ve helped people come into the world, and I’ve been a witness to many more departures. Death, even though it can evoke incredible pain and sadness, has an inherent beauty and sacredness to it that no other transforming event in our life can match.
Before beginning training as a chaplain, I had seen someone die before. I had worked as a trauma nurse, so death was not an unfamiliar sight. But I had not seen a “beautiful” death until I began my spiritual care career. I remember that first one so vividly. He was very old. Family were coming in, but they were far away. Only one of his daughters and a son-in-law were at his bedside. He had fought a long, hard life. To ease his symptoms the family had consented for me to do Healing Touch, a system of energy healing, to aid his transition. He died while I was doing it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the incredible cold that came off his skin just moments after his final breath. The other daughter arrived about an hour later. I explained about Healing Touch, and she hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was exactly what she had been hoping to do herself. That precious moment cemented for me that I had found my niche.
While many of my patients have been in advanced stages of disease and have therefore not been able to have long, revealing conversations with me, I have had the fortune of being blessed by many people’s stories. One theme constantly has arisen time and time again: Regret.
While some of their regret could be more easily labeled guilt, an overwhelming number of times I have heard people share true, heartfelt regrets. “When I was younger I had the opportunity to do [XYZ], and I didn’t take it. I have regretted it all my life.”
I’ve heard stories of dreams that were squashed by well-meaning mentors, and I’ve been on the receiving end of that as well. For most of my childhood I had wanted to become a veterinarian, but I allowed myself to be talked out of it because “you have to have lots of money and know someone to get into school.” When I discovered the healing properties of doing art, I decided I would become an art teacher and was accepted into a visual arts program. “How do you expect to support a family by doing that?” And so I pursued more realistic, family-sustaining opportunities. I focused many years on supporting myself and “climbing the ladder.” Until I was in my mid-30s, I had never taken more than a week’s vacation because work had become such a big part of my life. During college while friends were backpacking across Europe, I was taking classes so I could graduate early. Their life was out of my reach.
The late 90s and early 2000s would play around with me a bit. In 1999, I went to the doctor because of some odd pains and walked out of the office with a diagnosis of testicular cancer. My world was spinning. I had seen cancer’s face many times during my healthcare career, and most often it was hideously ugly. Sure, I knew plenty of survivors, and if anything I am a survivor, but the battle. . . the wait . . . I just didn’t want to deal with it, even if, according to my doctor, Lance Armstrong, whoever that was, had kicked its ass soundly. This type of cancer isn’t one you biopsy, so I had to have surgery to remove the testicle and then play the waiting game for pathology and CT scan results to be matched. Luckily, I had at least done it right: My cancer was one of the most easily treated and one of the most curable if caught in the early stages, and we had done just that. Given the option of “watch and wait” or undergo radiation therapy to help ensure any stragglers got wiped out before I ended up with metastases in the kidneys or lungs, or brain, I said “Zap me!”
After getting through the cancer scare with all its subsequent post-treatment worries (“Uh oh, I’m suddenly dizzy. Did it go to my brain?!”) and hearing so many similar stories of regrets, I finally decided I had enough of living everyone else’s life. Because really as long as I’m following other people’s dreams rather than pursuing my own, I’m not living my own life. I was going to start living my own life, a life without regret. Instead of simply dreaming and having a life full of “I wish. . . ” I was going to chase down my dreams and make them my bitch.
That decision kept me from one dream, though: Adoption. I felt like I needed a little more time living my life for me before bringing a child into it when things would, understandably, change quite a bit. And so I put it off. Until six months later. I had fulfilled a lifelong dream of traveling to Paris. I was celebrating my last night while seated in a restaurant in the Eiffel Tower. I had just finished a rather sumptuous dinner that had included a variety of breads and cheese, kite in a beurre blanc sauce, and was practically purring contentedly after having made love to my spoon as I languidly ate a dessert of chocolate souffle. I gazed at the beautiful City of Lights while sipping on a kir royale, my eyes brimming with tears of joy, and then it hit me: I had done what I needed to do. I was ready.
As soon as I returned to Colorado, I called the local adoption recruiter. Synchronicity had been busy because that night a new 8-week class was beginning (a required course to get licensed), and there was room for me to attend. Naturally, I went, and my life has never been the same.
But I still hadn’t totally learned my lesson. While I was living my own life to a degree, I was still wistfully dreaming. “Oh, how I wish. . . ” My trip to Peru in 2010 set me on a path for living more intentionally and working to create the life I wanted, and I haven’t looked back except to wonder why I didn’t do this sooner.
While I was preparing for our new lifestyle, I continued to work as a hospice chaplain. One of my last patients was a woman in her 60s. Her whole life she had wanted to do an Alaska cruise. She had scrimped and saved and was finally going to be able to do it after she retired later in 2010. Unfortunately, before she could retire she had a massive stroke and ended up on hospice while she was bedridden in a nursing home. She died a few months later. As I heard her daughters tell me of this dream, I kept thinking “This is why I’m choosing to live NOW!”
I don’t care what your dream is, if it’s going to college, having 25 children, or living a life similar to ours, I just want you to live your dreams. Make them reality, because you honestly can. I’m no one special or particularly unique. I simply wanted this type of life bad enough and was determined enough to not accept any other type of life. Like the phoenix, I continue to re-create my life and rise from the ashes. All you need is a bit of stubbornness.
It’s YOUR life. When will you choose to truly live it?
December 15, 2013
This post resonates with me quite a bit. While in junior high school (’87), a vice principal pulled me aside one day for wearing a beret since it violated our dress code. He asked, “What do you expect to do with your life when you grow up?” I said, “I want to move to NYC, go to art school and become a fashion designer.” To which he replied, “The chances of you doing that are the same as becoming a rock star–like Bon Jovi–very slim to none.” His words motivated me that much more to pursue my dream. Fast forward to today, I have fulfilled that dream and many more since. I have traveled the globe many times with my career, met people and worked with teams I couldn’t have dreamed up while still in jr high! I did, in fact, graduate from F.I.T. (SUNY school) in the heart of NYC and never looked back. While my “dreams” have changed a lot over the years–I simply want to teach English in a foreign country now–the idea of having these dreams is very intimidating to many who take comfort in the status quo. My husband & I have had so many try to talk us out of leaving/moving out the USA. My sister calls me “courageous” and “brave” for following through on my dreams. I think it deserves another name: LIVING. Thank you for sharing your post–it’s very beautiful.
December 15, 2013
Did you get in touch with him later on to show him just wrong he was?
Good on you for living!
September 12, 2013
I had a near-death experience at the age of 16 (near drowning) and it changed the way I live. Every day is a gift and even decades after that experience, I still appreciate the beauty and colour of the world like a child. Thankfully, since that day, it has meant living a life of no regrets, and my dream of filling my life with experiences and not assets has easily been fuliflled.
September 12, 2013
Sounds like you were definitely affected by your experience for the better!
September 14, 2013
This experience definitely changed my life for the better – even though it was very traumatic at the time.
August 28, 2013
A lot of really powerful thoughts here, and a message that really hits home. Thank you for sharing!
August 29, 2013
I’m glad you could identify with some of them.
August 25, 2013
Finally got to reading this post…and it was wonderful. Thanks, Talon!
August 25, 2013
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
May 30, 2013
Great post …. as a hospice nurse and dream catcher … this was great.
May 30, 2013
Glad you enjoyed it. As a hospice professional, I’m quite sure you can relate.
May 22, 2013
This is powerful and very true. My parents both died young from cancer at 53 and 59. You have to live the life you really want and not hold back. You are inspiring others, that’s a gift.
May 24, 2013
My heart goes out to you for that kind of loss. I imagine that was so incredibly difficult!
April 2, 2013
Love it. Very inspiring post. I watched my dad die at a young age from cancer. He had big plans to travel when he retired. Now I’m doing the traveling he always wanted to do…that was my inspiration.
April 2, 2013
That’s a very powerful source of inspiration! I’m sorry for your loss but grateful the legacy was so rich.
January 8, 2013
Very inspiring post, Talon. I’d always believed that our very short life deserves only the best that we can give it–and that means living without regret. Can’t say I’m 100% doing that already, but I’m getting there. (PS. Tigger is soooo cute!)
January 8, 2013
At least you’re working toward it. That’s pretty good. 🙂 And thank you! I think so, too, but I’m a bit biased.
January 7, 2013
On my girlfriend’s fathers deathbed, he said that he regretted working too much, not spending enough time with his kids, and not travelling enough. Congrats on not having any regrets. We will be following you shortly !
January 7, 2013
I have heard that over and over again for sure. That just isn’t how I want to spend my final moments with my family and loved ones. Or even just with myself. 🙂
Awesome to hear you’ll be out there shortly, too! WOOT!
October 8, 2012
Such an inspiring post. I had no idea how much was going on behind Windwalker Duo! Full on.
I worked in Paeds ICU for many years so death was ever-present, and have always thought life is far too short to wait for the right moment… the right moment is often right now! It’s easier to have no regrets when you live more in the moment. Now all I need is a lottery winning moment and my life on the road will be sorted 😉
October 8, 2012
One of my most incredible moments was in the PICU. What a tough job. It always seems so much harder when it’s children who are dying.
It really doesn’t take a lot of money to travel, depending on how you do it. When we left the States, we only had $900 in our account. 🙂
October 8, 2012
I hear ya. I went on my first RTW trip with 52 quid and four credit cards! Best thing I ever did.
Now I’ve got two wee kiddies and a hubby to account for too, so need to pretend to be responsible! But it’ll happen… soon 🙂
October 8, 2012
Meh. Responsibility is for boring people. LOL
August 24, 2012
This was so inspiring. I think I’m getting closer to my dreams and I just need to be strong enough to really go through with them. As you say: no regrets.
August 24, 2012
Life is MUCH better that way. 🙂
July 16, 2012
So true!
My husband also had testicular cancer. We found out a week before I was due with our first child. He had surgery the next day and started radiation right after Peregrine was born. Crazy days, and so many unknowns… will I have a husband? Will my baby get to know his daddy? Will we be able to have more kids? Thank God that ten years later he is doing well and we’ve been blessed with three more kids. Life is never a given, but it’s always a gift. We really do have to LIVE it!
July 16, 2012
I’m so glad your experience had such a great outcome! Yes, this moment is all we have. We have to make it worth it.
July 11, 2012
I loved this. Such a beautiful post. Many people don’t understand when I say that the 3 days I spent with my Dad while he died was the greatest gift he ever gave me. It was a blessing and a sense of peace that took away a lot of fear. But while I am darn good at encouraging my kids to live their lives and fighting for their right to do that through unschooling, I am not so good at it myself. If nothing else, your post will make me plan today a little more intentionally!
July 11, 2012
Wunderbar! Then it was a successful post. 🙂 I’m glad your experience with your father’s death was such beautiful one.
July 10, 2012
Chills! Goosebumps! I loved this post so much. Really hits home for me right now.
July 10, 2012
I’m glad that you found a message that seemed to call out to you. Thanks for commenting and visiting.
July 9, 2012
This is incredible Talon! You are a true inspiration! I had no idea how complex your story was, thank you so much for sharing this with us! I so needed this clarification right now…that I too, am doing the right thing! 🙂
Steph
July 9, 2012
I hope it helps!
July 9, 2012
What a beautiful and inspiring post! Thanks for sharing your story and reminding some of us who sometimes get too busy with our daily lives to re-visit those dreams before it’s too late.
July 9, 2012
Thank you
July 8, 2012
Talon, Great story and great decisions. I know you and Tigger are better off for finding each other and the world is better off for you to be traveling in it!
July 8, 2012
He has definitely enriched my life a thousandfold!
July 8, 2012
That last anecdote is so revealing and it’s why I travel. You never know when you’re going to get hit by a bus. Live now! But also spend quality time with family and friends in between trips, because in the end your memories with those people will be more special than your memories of seeing a famous temple or beach.
July 8, 2012
That’s one reason we travel as a family. Hard to get much more quality out of family time than traveling together nonstop!
July 8, 2012
This is extraordinarily timely for me. This week I had the privilege of caring for one of the strongest women I’ve ever met who is managing mental illness, and addiction recovery with wisdom, grace, and strength. Unfortunately she was given a new challenge with a cancer diagnosis: a fast growing cancer that has already metastasized in her liver and brain. (I can’t even wrap my head around why God would do this to her but that’s a question for another place) It was sobering for me to take care of her and I feel the Universe put me there to show how fleeting my own life is and how important it is to live my dreams. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your remarkable life with internet strangers. Although you no longer minister to people in a formal setting your stories on this blog teach, uplift, and inspire.
July 8, 2012
Those situations are so hard, but what a powerful experience for you.
And thanks. My main goal with this site is to inspire people to live their dreams whatever they may be.
July 7, 2012
Definitely a thought-provoking post. It’s far too easy for most of us to get caught up in day to day life and forget about our dreams. I know that I need a reminder like this every now and then to reevaluate how I’m living my life. I certainly don’t want to have any regrets when my time is up.
July 7, 2012
Yes, it goes way beyond carpe diem.
July 7, 2012
I couldn’t have said it better. I think you will inspire others to take risks and live their dreams!
July 7, 2012
I sure hope so!
July 7, 2012
Lovely post, excellent advice, and I can only add:
This surely ain’t a dress rehearsal, folks!
July 7, 2012
Amen to that!
July 7, 2012
What an inspiring post! Thanks for sharing and reminding us that it is OK to reach for our dreams.
July 7, 2012
More than OK, you should do nothing but! 🙂
July 7, 2012
I lost my dad on New Year’s Day. Even though he would never say otherwise, I’m fairly certain he had no regrets. That provides a little comfort and I hope to be able to say the same…
July 7, 2012
So sorry to hear about your dad. I definitely feel it’s important. I would rather spend my last years, months, weeks, days, hours, whatever reminiscing with my family about our adventures and time together rather than ruing the moments I didn’t have.
July 7, 2012
I can so totally relate! As a teen, I met an elderly man who inspired me to think about what would make me proud on my death bed. That guiding principle has served me well for thirty years, and I hope that it influences my children as well. So, while mistakes are inevitable, regrets are few. Kudos to you!
July 7, 2012
That’s awesome! To learn that lesson so young. . . Just wonderful.
July 7, 2012
OMG Talon,
this is all so familiar to me. I love the part where you practically made love to your spoon.
I don’t work with the dying nor have i ever but i remember coming home at the age of 21 after living in Japan for 3 years to visit my father for a small break in march of 1990. My father was killed during a robbery and died the year before he turned 65 and was going to go back to Thailand to Live (where i was born). It made me sad and i wanted to run away but i had to take care of my then 14 year old brother. Ever since, i ‘ve always tried to live my life in the moment but still i kept gettting sucked into other peoples dreams. Living in the suburbs does that to you. You assimilate.
I dont’ feel that pressure anymore because i ‘m away from it. But whenever i go to visit family, the in laws i think, oh i could return to this life and that worries me.
Thanks you for writing this. Truly inspirational. I hope i can inspire others half as much as you have inspired me.. 🙂
July 7, 2012
Thank you! My #1 goal with this entire blog is to inspire others to live their dreams, whatever they may be. As long as I can continue to do that by sharing, then this has been a success.
So sad to hear about your father! Death by tragedy is always so much sadder.
July 7, 2012
This is beautiful. I feel lucky to have read it. Thank you.
July 7, 2012
Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
July 7, 2012
Very lovely… so much real truth in there. So glad you’ve learned it… may we all. Blessings, my friend, on your house.
July 7, 2012
Thank you! I’d love to see more and more people truly living.
July 7, 2012
Thank you for this post! Although I’m still quite young (28), I realized 3 years ago that I wasn’t living life the way I wanted to. I was always trying to meet everyone else’s expectation of what I should be doing. Too many people go through life on autopilot…not really living out their dreams. Kudos to you for having the courage to do so!
July 7, 2012
So glad you’ve learned that while young. And you’re right about many people living on autopilot.
July 6, 2012
Having just witnessed the passing of my father-in-law this past week, I can completely relate to this story. I was the last person he looked upon, and while his death is sad, I feel strangely honored to have been that final sight and be by his side to ease him into letting go. It feels like a grand responsibility to live after experiencing that and while I never took life for granted before, I am even more committed to living fully and presently.
July 7, 2012
I’m sorry to hear about his passing but glad that it was such an incredible experience for you.
July 6, 2012
So true! After having a child, travel is my dream. My son is 17 and we are finally going to try a little travel (a cruise). He was adopted at 9, and has always fallen apart when we tried to travel before. Finally I think he is ready! And by the time he is 19 we will be ready to leave him at home to take care of the dogs while we go play.
Heidi
July 6, 2012
I’m excited for you that you may get to travel as a family soon! That would be wonderful.
July 6, 2012
Talon – wow! Very, very inspiring post! Lots for people to chew on… thanks so much for sharing!
July 6, 2012
Thank you for reading and commenting!
July 6, 2012
indeed – and a wakeup call to live as you want now,isn’t it? love this article!
July 6, 2012
Exactly. It IS your life after all.
July 6, 2012
What a beautiful and inspirational post, Talon! Thanks for sharing and reminding me why I’m doing what I’m doing today. No regrets!
July 6, 2012
You guys are definitely living that way! I love seeing it, too!
July 6, 2012
Nothing like a tragic situation and your experiences with death to inspire you to live!
July 6, 2012
Most definitely, but kind of sad that so many of us need those kind of lessons.