After enduring a delayed flight to LAX causing me to have to run through several terminals to get to the international one, arriving after the computer system was locked out for my flight (but supervisor was kind enough to allow me to check-in anyway) and being told that most likely my bags would not be joining me when I arrived in Lima, then flying all night long, by the time I got to the window in the Lima airport so I could pay my airport tax I was exhausted. And the prospect of a 6-hour wait for my ongoing flight to Cusco was not filling me with extra energy. While waiting for my change, I spotted a uniformed person watching me out of the corner of my eye. All I had was a backpack since LAX loved my baggage so much they decided to send it on the next flight. I wondered what on earth I was doing that was so interesting to this official.
The cashier handed me my proof of payment, and I asked for directions for my next stop. As I headed to the stairs, the gentleman stepped in front of me with a clipboard. If you’ve been to malls in the US, this usually means someone is trying to get you to fill out a survey. I held my eyes in place so that if they rolled I wouldn’t offend the very nice person with a badge and a large baton. He handed me the clipboard. I skimmed it rapidly and realized I was to be checked to make sure I wasn’t smuggling drugs. No problem. I have 6 hours to kill and a small backpack. Knock yourself out, dude. I smiled, said OK, and followed him with an amused grin on my face. All part of the adventure, right? We entered a room with a device that I had seen quite a lot of on TV back home. I looked at his desk with its 2 black flat screen monitors, one of which looked awfully similar to the ones used to review CAT scan images. Yes, I was about to be body scanned. The US news was currently ablaze over the images produced by these scanners, and now I was going to have the privilege of experiencing it first hand.
Now, I’m no prude. And with my . . . body habitus, if you want to see a naked image of me, well, go for it. Better that than getting groped by some guy who won’t even be buying me dinner or drinks afterward. Don’t you think if you’re going to get groped, we should at least have the ability to pick the person who is going to be goosing us? However, now I was a little more tentative. I was in a windowless room by myself. No one else had seen me go with this guy who looked like he was wearing a military uniform. I still wasn’t sure why I needed to be scanned, and the paperwork, which was also in English, didn’t help much. Couldn’t I just lift up my shirt, empty out my pockets, remove my shoes? The very polite and pleasant officer guided me to the futuristic-looking machine and gave me directions. I was to turn my head with my arms at my side. I almost asked if he wanted me to cough, but I think the humor would’ve been lost in the moment. Then lickety split we were done.
He was so proud, too. “We got this from your country!” he said with a huge grin as he proudly pointed at one of the monitors. I glanced over and did a double take. Understanding began to dawn on me as I viewed not only my naked body but also my organs. His pudgy finger jabbed at the screen as he pointed to my large intestine. “You have gas, but no drugs.” Best. Line. Ever. Admit it! I fought the feeling to suddenly put on several more layers of clothes by checking out the image of my lungs. Yep, all clear. Good. Gas, but no drugs. And no pneumonia or congestion either.
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Stacy
12/02/2011 at 7:09 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Okay, that’s funny. Invasive, but still a funny story. Glad you were otherwise clear.
Anonymous
12/02/2011 at 7:44 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
I figured people would get a kick out if it.
Crazy sexy fun traveler
12/02/2011 at 10:33 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Hahahaha good story! I agree, would NOT like to see myself naked with someone else staring at me like that!
Anonymous
12/02/2011 at 10:35 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Now just imagine if you weren’t sexy! Lol
Justin Hamlin
13/02/2011 at 9:49 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
That is f’n awesome. Good advice, eat more Mexican food before getting body scanned. I like it!
Anonymous
14/02/2011 at 4:45 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
The adventures of travel!
Shannon Mason
13/02/2011 at 9:56 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
I guess they can give you early warnings that you might need to see a Dr when they scan you should you have any problems besides gas and drugs
. Awesome 
mcontrol
15/02/2011 at 3:39 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
TY – we’ll be traveling soon with the kids – heading round the world just seeing where we land. Loads of friends all over. Love reading about new places and appreciate the note on tsa procedure abroad and beyond…
Anonymous
15/02/2011 at 3:42 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Awesome! When do you begin your journey?
Christina Saull
15/02/2011 at 7:25 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Crazy! But a great travel story. I have encountered so many different security scenes around the world, I’m never sure what to expect.
Christina Saull
15/02/2011 at 7:25 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Crazy! But a great travel story. I have encountered so many different security scenes around the world, I’m never sure what to expect.
Anonymous
15/02/2011 at 7:29 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
They do get interesting, don’t they? I remember when a group of us went to Ecuador, the only people who had their baggage checked by Customs were the women. Pretty tacky. Then in France, I handed over my passport, had it stamped, and I walked past two doors which had the French word for Customs above it, and just kept walking. No one stopped me, there were no officials other than the 2 “guards” by the door. I kept looking back thinking I had done something wrong.
Gillian Duffy
16/02/2011 at 8:39 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Great story! Well told. Cheers!
Anonymous
16/02/2011 at 8:49 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Thanks!
Sofia - As We Travel
18/02/2011 at 1:04 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
HAHA what a cool dude, definitely the best line ever!
Anonymous
18/02/2011 at 1:06 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Gotta love it!
Anonymous
22/02/2011 at 4:39 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
I was “randomly” selected at LAX along with Linda… Not so random when you are the 1st in line at 4:30am and both of you are selected (more like a great training opp for them since there was no one else in line).
We both opted out! Definitely an interesting experience… a blog post to come
Anonymous
22/02/2011 at 4:42 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Wow. You went for the grope?
Laura
22/02/2011 at 6:22 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Haha, that’s hilarious! I could care less about the body scanners as well. It’s a much simpler process in my opinion
Anonymous
22/02/2011 at 2:08 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Yeah of I had to choose , it’s a no-brainer for me.
Spencer
25/02/2011 at 3:35 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
What an awesome backdrop. You must have had a wonderful time there!
Talon
27/01/2013 at 9:07 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
I never was notified you left a comment. Sorry about that! Yes, it was quite a great experience.
Debbie
27/01/2013 at 8:59 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
LOL, great story! Machu Piccu is on my bucket list!
Talon
27/01/2013 at 9:07 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
One of my favorite funny travel stories to share.
I’ll be writing a better post about Machu Picchu soon, but it is quite a fascinating place. I hope you go.
JeffO
27/01/2013 at 11:50 pm (UTC 8) Link to this comment
Wow, interesting. So… I have to wonder.
Where did you hide the drugs? (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
JeffO recently posted..Last Year, This Year
Talon
28/01/2013 at 9:37 am (UTC 8) Link to this comment
I’ll never tell, Jeff.
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